Parents are often occupied with work, responsibilities, and other duties while their teenagers are involved in the academic and social demands of school, spending time with friends and social media/internet. With so much going on, it is no surprise that many of us do not take the extra steps needed to communicate clearly and to listen carefully. Parents and teens can communicate more often and take extra time to share important messages to avoid disconnection between teens and their parents.
Mistrust between family members can start with small miscommunications and then grow, sometimes culminating in insurmountable broken disconnected relationships. For example, we all know teenagers can be vulnerable and they adapt to the environment they're in. And oftentimes parents do not trust their teens because of the company they keep and this leads to teen feeling like their parents do not believe in them and this is what unfolds a whole lot of misunderstanding and conflicts.
One thing to note is that when we start thinking negatively about someone, we start to interpret their behavior in that light. So once a parent starts seeing their child in a negative light they will always interpret their actions negatively and vice versa if a teen sees their parents in a negative way. Most of the time we as parents do not sit and assess why our child is becoming distanced and engaging in less fruitful conversation with us.
Teenagers will spend more time away from their parents and family. They will need to make decisions on their own and will be expected to take responsibility for their actions. Although teens are gaining more independence from their parents, they are not experienced enough and need continuing parental guidance. Being sensitive to your teens’ levels of maturity when offering guidance helps in building greater self-confidence in them.
Here are some aspects of a teenager's life you are actively helping when you practice proper communication and be patient with them:
-You are helping your teens to understand that family rules change as they get older.
-You are helping your teens figure out the kind of people they are becoming as they prepare for adult responsibilities.
-You are helping your teens to have better self-esteem.
-You are offering your teen good role modeling, teaching them proper values and morals.
-Most importantly you are helping your teen to make important life decisions.
Some elements for effective Parent-Teen communication:
Listening: The most important thing parents can do to improve communication with teens is to listen to them. Teens need to feel that they matter and can depend on their parents to support and protect them. Listening conveys messages of caring and safety and helps you to have more influence in your teens’ lives.
Addressing difficult, uncomfortable topics: It is very important to talk about tough topics. Involvement in problem behaviors such as sex and drug use can be part of experimentation during the teen years. Even the quiet nice kid experiments. The first reaction is to shy away from these topics and over the years it has become taboo. Then we act very surprisedly when we hear our teenager is part taking in these behaviors. The problem with avoiding tough topics is that parents risk not knowing when their teens may be getting into trouble. Parents may not realize that experimenting has gone too far, and their teens are in over their heads. When teens have questions about their thoughts or feelings, parents who give them support and understanding are more likely to have teens who do not act impulsively when faced with a decision about sex. These teens are more informed about what they are feeling and thinking and about the consequences if they act upon their thoughts and feelings.
Disagreements that create a disconnection between parents and teens: Simple day-to-day disagreements between parents and teens can lead to parents feeling powerless and like they have no control over their teenager. Parents and teens often find themselves bickering about household responsibilities, curfews, friends, and activities. This occurs because teens and parents view these day-to-day problems in very different ways. A parent might see making up your bed when you get up in the morning as having discipline while their teen may not share the same sentiment. We as parents need to develop strategies that work for both parties.
Respecting and Believing in each other: Once parents treat their teen with distrust and suspicion and this leads to children being untruthful because they surmise they will not be believed. Respect involves allowing teens to make their own decisions unless a decision might lead to a major life trauma, even if their parents feel such a decision is not in their teens’ best interests. Allowing teens to face the consequences of their decisions is a very effective teaching method, even if it takes a long time for the lesson to be appreciated. On the other hand, when parents force their children to make a choice against their will, teens typically focus their emotional energy on being resentful towards their parents rather than understanding the reason.
Approaches that close the door to good communication with teens include the following:
-Talking down to your teen
-Being judgmental and critical of your teen
-Refusing to listen to your teen’s point of view
-Comparing them to other teens
You can open up a conversation with your teen by doing the following:
-Make it clear that you are ready and willing to listen.
-Let your teen know that you are working to understand his or her perspective
-Express your willingness to work together with your teen to arrive at a decision.
-Take time to connect with your teen every day—a meal together, a few minutes together each evening before going to bed, longer periods of time together on the weekend, etc.
-Find activities that you enjoy doing together. Sometimes teens find it difficult to share what is on their minds during face-to-face conversation. Doing an activity together can make the conversation flow more easily. Teens will say more when they feel relaxed.
-Permit your teen some privacy. Teens need time to themselves and the right not to share everything with their parents. They will be more willing to share important things with you if they feel respected by you.
-Allow your teen to have opinions that differ from yours. The freedom for teens to have their own ideas and views helps them to become emotionally mature as they move toward adulthood and need to think on their own.
