Parenting Your Adolescent

We all know the struggle to raise our adolescence and this is often a challenging time for parents. Adolescents experience numerous physical, psychological, and social changes, often making it difficult for them to know how to behave and what is expected of them. During puberty, we mature and our bodies are infused with hormones that stimulate desires appropriate to ensuring the perpetuation of the species. It is an adventure for most because adolescent growth is accompanied by risk-taking, exploring, and experimenting.

The transition from childhood, where they were being taken care of and under parental supervision, to now being drawn to independence, and the company of friends. This is usually an anxious time for parents. We usually are afraid of letting our adolescence be free because we are scared of the consequences and results of such. We tend to want to have more control over them and this is where conflict arises almost all the time. During this exploring phase of adolescents, parents are most alarmed and upset about what their teenager fantasizes and is excited about, mostly because of values, morals, and cultures that the parent wants their teenager to have.

Think about this, if your child tells you that she wants to have a tattoo, something that is against your culture and morals, then you are automatically alarmed and against the idea. At this moment, it is when you need to be understanding, collected, and calm to not put fear into your teenager. If we put fear into our teenagers, their defense would be to build walls and distance themselves. This automatically shuts down communication between parents and their teenagers, at a time when it is necessary for communication.

According to Carl E Pickhardt Ph.D., we need to avoid our words to our child becoming extreme, critical, and name-calling. This only creates distancing and pushes our child to do exactly what we are afraid of. Your job is to help your adolescent understand the adventure they are seeking and the benefit and downsides of such activity.

For example, if your child has curious sexual feelings, what you can do is:

- Let them know those feelings are normal for everyone their age,

- Let them know the consequences of participating in such actions at their age, for example, teenage pregnancy, STDs, substance use, etc.

- Teach them to respect their bodies and know that it is something sacred they need to safeguard to protect themselves.

This is what that conversation should look like: " The use of alcohol or illegal substances can make you weak and vulnerable and lead to self-harm or harm to others around you etc. Now that you know the feelings and consequences, if you continue to pursue this curiosity (which we do not support), you can indulge in such without getting drunk, and acting in a manner that you will regret." Mindful risk-taking Build a relationship with your child that has trust and honesty. This opens room for healthy communication and confinement. Teenagers are more likely to tell you about their impulsive thoughts (once you build trust with them) to try something new, and you can be able to give them recommendations, advice, and even monitor them.

In an article written by Carl E Pickhardt Ph.D., he proposed four questions we can ask our teenagers if approached with an "exciting and scary" possibility:
- What are the risks?

- What are the rewards?

- Are the rewards worth the risks?

- And if risks occur, what is my backup plan?

Most times teenagers just jump on the bandwagon and don't take the time to think about the risks involved. You must step in at this time and let them be aware that they will face the consequences on their own if they choose to pursue it.

Carl continues to elaborate on "eight dangers" to which most adolescents can fall victim:

- Social Violence

- Accidental injury

- Daring behavior

- School failure

- Law Breaking

- Sexual misadventures

- Suicidal despondency

- Substance abuse - this is the most serious because this increases the likelihood of the other seven dangers.

We need to help our teenagers learn from the experience of indulging in these dangerous acts and understand what the choice-consequence connections have to teach. There is no need to watch your teenager waste half their life miserable, unable to contribute to society and grasp a sound education for their development and transition into adulthood.

If you are still having difficulties parenting your adolescence, always remember there is professional help out there. In some cases, teenagers are showing signs of struggling with a mental condition that is the explanation for most of their impulsivity. If we believe our child's mental well-being is deteriorating contact your local Board Certifies Psychiatrist/Psychologist for evaluation and treatment.

Kind regards,

Bayhill Psychiatric Associates & Team

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